2003-12-29
change

Change.

They say it's the one thing you can count on. At the moment, I feel like it haunts me.

I changed my life last month. I was convinced by someone else that my life had to make some drastic changes in order for my relationship to work, and for me to be happy.

I left a good job, I left a good boyfriend, and I opened the door to an entirely new life 3000 miles away from home, a life that I thought that I wanted; a life that I thought that I needed.

Instead, I ache for the man Ive loved more than any other man in my life, I ache for my old home, safe, small secure. I ache for my yoga class, and simple students who appreciated my teaching. I ache for my family, whose love for me never changes. I even ache for my old job, that didnt even bring me that much joy.

Maybe I just ache from rejection, knowing he chose a certain life over me.

I wonder how long Ill hurt.

I wonder how long it will take until NY feels like home. I wonder if it ever will. I wonder if Ill quit and move and give up on it all. I wonder if I care about anything anymore.

Maybe tomorrow the sun will shine brighter than today. Maybe Ill find true love, the kind that doesnt let you go so easily... the kind that thinks your beautiful, from the inside out.

I thought I had that kind of love. I was certain it was true and right. And then, like a rug pulled from beneath, it was gone.

It's time for me to change. It's time for me to stop blaming myself, or wishing life was different. It is what it is, and although it's painful today, the sun is still shining.

previous | next
all past entries

email