2004-07-11
the experience

The experience.

She talked of the experience. She talked of the release, the change, the terrifying moments and the need to do it again. My fear was larger than my concern, the �acid� like trip was no longer on my path.

I had faith.

He stood over me, holding needles, gazing in my eyes with his Buddha like smile. �Youre wonderful� he said.

So simply, so filled with love.

�Im grateful� was all I could respond.

I lay face up, needles in my body to respond to the fear. Love filled the room and the house as the afternoon sun gazed in through the windows to warm my soul.

I am okay.

I am going to be okay.

I was scared.

Was this it? Am I meant to go? Have I said my goodbyes?

After a nerve calming session with one healer, the second arrived. Like a wise old hawaiian surfer he gazed at me, directly into the blacks of my pupils, and studied my soul.

�Youre a funny one,� he said, and called me closer to his side.

Testing the healing substance next to my body he was asking the spirits for their blessing to enter the other side. Was my body okay? Were the imaginary holes in my heart too large to participate? Would I stop breathing?

I lay back flat.

�Inhale Katy, hold it in as long as you can.�

For a moment, I saw light.

I saw my future and my past, while holding on to massive amounts of fear.

Fear of dying, fear of being beautiful, fear of being free.

I sat up and was on to the next person, caring for others as if the experience was only meant to be momentary � not built to last.

After an amazing breakthrough from another, I looked at my healer and asked, �am I okay? did I do okay�

He told me I was beautiful. He told me I was perfect and welcomed my head into his lap and asked me be brave, and to let go of my fear.

�Let it go. Youre okay. Let it go.�

I inhaled again and left my body.

Am I breathing?

Am I dying?

Are you sure Im not dying?

Are you sure Im breathing?

Apparently the questions were many � but I don�t recall.

I was in bliss.

I was in love.

I was one with every atom, and every cell was one with me.

I saw the light.

I felt the freedom.

I felt the love.

�Youre perfect.�

I heard these words over and over as my life swirled around my head.

Im perfect?

Ive never felt perfect.

I wasnt perfect to me.

I wasnt perfect to him.

I felt perfectly un-perfect �

As a matter of fact, the feeling of perfection was merely my obsession, and not reality.

And then I took in a large inhale breath and asked myself --

What�s not perfect?

I stood tall all the sudden and danced my way into an area of space.

I gracefully moved my body in circular motions preparing for the freedom of speech that was going to arch out of toes and fingers and into the white space.

I felt my strength.

So perfectly strong enough to hold me high upside down in the balance of the universe.

I felt my heart.

Beating hard, fast, and strong � without holes, without fear.

I felt my breath.

Breathing hard, breathing deep, breathing so complete.

I am perfect.

I saw my life.

The love.

The joy.

The loss for knowing such love and such joy.

My heart ached to call him.

Can I?

Should I?

I did.

Was it right? Who knows.

He was nice enough about it I suppose.

Happy to hear about the experience � but was he really happy to hear from me?

Why do I hold on?

The feeling pulsed though my soul for a moment and then I danced it out -- hard... sweating breathing beating loving feeling tearing giving...

I am love.

We are love.

We are all connected.

We are one.

The food from the garden restored my veins.

I wondered if I should be eating from earth only.

When I eat meat, do I take on the life and emotions of that animal?

I am questioning all that is around me.

I love you.

I am grateful.

I am perfect.

I am God.

You are God.

We are One.

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