2003-08-18
sad today...

Well, since im the only one who really reads this, Im going to post this letter I wrote to John last Friday. It has been the most painful weekend that I can recall in a very long time. Breaking up is the hardest thing in the world to do, especially when you have forgotten why you broke up in the first place.

Why is life so hard?

When will things be clear?

At what point does sitting in the question just become too much sitting and not doing?

It's a very sad day today.

Maybe tomorrow will be brighter.

Love, Ziya

John, my love.

At the moment, I am beside myself. Words cannot express the love I have for

you or my desire to make things right, to turn back in time and find a way

to manifest the love that we share into an entirely different direction. You

are the most amazing man I have ever known. You are the love of my life and

I have felt love with you in a way I have never felt with anyone. Ever. I

worry that I never showed you how much I cherish your unique gifts, your

love, your wonderful sense of being alive.

My whole life I believe that I have battled living in fear, mostly due to

survival and needing to be strong, determined and focused. I had to think

this way to stay alive in the house that I was raised in. I had to know that

it would be better someday if I just stayed strong. And then having lost my

job before we (re) met and living off of credit cards to buy groceries; I

need to remember that you and I met me at time when I had this tremendous

fear of not being able to take care of myself, and the fear of having to

take care of two of us, and my parents  it was all just greater than I knew

how to bare. I think it tangled your impressions of me and how I live my

life.

I truly believe there is a balance between living the path of love and flow,

and guiding the flow with your own personal power to manifest great things

in your life. Everything I have ever had, I have manifested in part by being

one with the universe and allowing myself to be both guided and led. Part

flow, part path. I wonder if on some level that your desire to be all flow

left me feeling the need to pave a path  maybe you being all one way

inadvertently drove me to be all the other so we could find the place of

balance between our scales. I often felt there wasnt room for me to be

free, to be without worry, that you had enough of that for both of us. I

wish you had been able to guide me by not fearing yourself.

Im sorry that you had to witness so much of my own self-doubt, but I

suppose its true when they say the person that you love the most brings out

all of your issues and your process of becoming a better person is the

process of a growing relationship. I know on many levels our relationship

will continue to grow. Your presence in my life has been such a powerful

teacher of facing my own fear and finding the balance in love and truth,

seeking the flow while following the path.

Last night was painful. I havent felt so sad and terrified in all my life

that I am losing the best thing that has ever happened to me and I cant stop

feeling it is my fault. I feel that I just let you slip away, never loving

you enough, or giving you what you needed. I occasionally go to a very dark

place with it all, and at some point I will need to forgive myself and move

on. You mentioned last night that you believe it is me/us that takes you to

such a dark, angry place sometimes. I love you so much and therefore need to

tell you that this place is inside of you and while I may be a catalyst to

have it surface and challenge you to face it head on, (as you are with my

fear), I hope someday you will know that it isnt me. That something else,

someone else, whatever  will have the same affect and it is a place within

you that needs healing. I am so sorry I wasnt able to heal this place with

you, but I will always be open to going there with you. As your friend, you

have tha

t trust. I love all of you, even your deepest darkest places. One thing I

have learned is that we cannot run away from that which makes us humble or

utterly human, we need to understand it and nourish it; feed it love so it

will transform. Ive tried running away from my fear and it continues to

resurface. Today I promise you I will take it head on and work to become

more of the woman that I am truly capable of. I do not want the life I have

now, I wont ever work this hard again and continue to be unhappy, and I wont

ever bring someone I love into this place of frustration. I think if I never

had this job, we probably would have been together forever. Again, its my

fear. It my survival. Its what I have known and the pattern I need to

change.

We are both amazing beings that have lived life and tasted the dark places

of our soul. We have also seen unbelievable light, and glowing pink skies as

a result of our beautiful love. What we have between us is truly sacred and

I long for you every day we are apart. I crave your body, your flesh, your

scent. I realize at times I held back sexually between you and I. I never

wanted that, but I was vulnerable and afraid. Truth is I really wanted you

to want to dive into me and to know me inside and out. To make

understanding me one of the most important aspects of your life. Baby, I

truly admire the gift you have been given in your ability to release

sexually in ways I have seen in no other, but there were times that I felt

that since I didnt have the same climatic experience as you, that the ones

I did have were inadequate. I often felt sexually not good enough, to the

point that I shied away from being so vulnerable. I know in my heart you

never meant this to be the case, b

ut I could never express it because you set the stage early on that talking

about this would only inhibit or challenge your experience, which I never

wanted to do. I just wanted you to take an interest in me, to crave being

inside me from a spiritual place, to feel me and to understand my body and

how I longed for you - in ways that were beyond mechanical, from a place

deeper than body movement. I know sometimes you were impatient with me, Im

sorry. I love you and I love our connection, spiritual and sexual, and I

cant get it off my mind.

You are my fantasy. You turn me on, you light me up; baby, my longing for

you is passionate and soulful and sacred and deeper and much kinkier than

you know. I long for you in my heart, in my head, in my groin and the truth

is, since we have been apart, I cant seem to get sexual thoughts of us our

my head. Most of my thoughts are on the playa, which probably explains my

fear of distance between us at burning man since I cant stop fantasizing

about it!

But  please know - the playa will be beautiful, together or not together.

It will be exactly how it should be; whatever it will be.

Last night, today, right now, Ive never felt so alone. I realize that I

dont have the security of you and I, the security of our bond or the

connection we share. I dont have many friends and the ones I do have here

in San Diego are really yours, not mine. But maybe there is learning in this

 that when its all said and done I have myself, and that I need to cherish

and be more in love with the person I am, completely. Full of love, full of

fear, all of me. I need to love myself for all of the heartache, for all of

the pain from my family, for all of the experiences I have had  good and

bad  and find the true spirit of who I am. Find it, love it, and cherish it

so maybe someday someone else can too.

I thank you for your love, for your spirit, for giving yourself to me, for

even just the short time that we had. In my heart I know it wasnt long

enough; I wanted you and I wanted it to last forever -- it will.

I love you.

I cherish you.

I respect you.

And I want nothing but a life full of joy and happiness for you.

Thank you for sharing your love with me. I know that we will be able to be a

part of each others life, somehow and in some way, maybe very soon, or

maybe sometime far out. But you are the most powerful driving force in my

life right now to be true and to find myself. I only wish we could have done

this together, but I also know God has a bigger plan that maybe Im just not

privy to right now. I hope and pray that everything is the way it should be.

I love you, xo k

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