2003-09-03
all i want is now

Sometimes there seems like there is so much to talk about and yet nothing to say� It is as if a discussion about where we are at as individuals or as a couple can mitigate the emotions and confusion that lie underneath. My solstice has been writing, and sometimes my words come out in long form as elaborate letters to you. I hope you can bear with me.

This morning, softly pressing up against you while listening to the waves crash underneath us, all I could think about was my certainty in my love for you. I look back on the past year and think about what I have learned, what I would do different. The one thing I know confidently is that I think we have barely begun the journey that lies ahead for us. I crave being your partner, your lover, and your best friend, in ways I didn�t know I could. I have been living in this bubble of fear that seems to have burst open these past 6 weeks, and the realizations are massive, and the passion I have for you in my heart, and in my body, is from the most divine place I�ve ever felt.

My longing for you and desire to support you in every endeavor has been clouded these past several months by my own fear; and it has been this fear that has created this false boundary between us that doesn�t exist. Recently, I feel this being stripped away. In my time alone, my meditation, my prayer, I have been able to come to a place that is more clear, and filled with more love than ever before. I know in my heart that I want life with you - a rich, colorful, sensual, erotic, artistic, risqu� life. I want to embrace that which has been given to us in the present moment from a power so much greater than you or I, and I want to experience that life in the purest, most raw form of love.

Lately I haven�t been able to get my mind off these erotic fantasies of you and I, with many others� and I can�t explain why I was so shy on the camera when all I can think about is how much the thought of sex on cam with you and others watching turns me on, and how much I wish I had erotic still shots of us� and if you only knew how many times I fantasized about you and I on erotic adventures, dazzling other couples and making them feel secure� and how much I look forward to making our way to India some day to experience a whole different level of spiritual sexuality. I don�t know why we never tapped into these experiences, or why I wasn�t able to articulate my own personal desires - but if it�s right, I�m ready to explore some of these adventures with you now - completely letting go of tomorrow and being in the now.

John, my love, you�re my best friend, my lover, the one I trust with my most vulnerable self. I think the same way you do, and believe it or not the same things that turn you on, turn me on and keep that fire burning inside of me. I�m not as brave as you are and as a result I believe that I may have created a space of question for you regarding our partnership and our ability to sustain the love we share for the future. I can�t change what has passed, nor do I think I would want to with the information I have now to step more confidently into the unknown. All that we have experienced, including the fears that we have shared as individuals and as a couple, have delivered me the realizations that I may not have been able to accept without this time in between us. We both know there is still question, but right now I crave living in the very present moment of the question that may never be answered, or that may deliver an answer that we would never expect.

I believe there is no greater force than the magical power of two people in love, and I know in my heart the magic that each of us embodies is beyond linear in a physical, emotional or sexual form. I truly believe that we embody divine love and light, the energy of sacred sensuality that can help others be more true to themselves.

When the time is right, Id love to share openly, honestly, spiritually � and find a way to communicate with each other the thoughts and fears that encompass our soul. Please know that I don�t think that there is a definitive answer, and I don�t think anything could happen over night, but I�m open to hearing everything over time and when it feels right to you.

I believe in us John, as partners, as lovers, as friends � and I am as prepared to fully let go, as I am prepared to completely dive in. There are no answers, only love.

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